1.01.2009

The new year...the new me.

Well, 2009 is officially upon us now. Wow, thinking back to December 31st, 2007, moving into 2008 seems so fresh, and I can't believe it was now over a year ago. 2008 was a good year to me. It was the year that brought me my niece Joie, and in extension, brought our family closer together- not in location or distance, but emotionally. 2008 was also the year that I took control of priorities in my life and made the decision to be serious about school and finally finished my degree. I discovered a lot about myself this past year, some good and some negative, but all progressive.

While looking forward to the new year, I want to start things off on the right foot. There are things that I want to accomplish, and having struggled through the determination of finishing my degree, I now know without a doubt that I can do anything I put my mind too- even if it's not always pleasant. I want to get serious about my health. I have had family members "pushing" me to take my health (and weight) more seriously for quite awhile now, but being the rebellious, stubborn Snelson that I am, I've not cared what they've thought, and behaved rather defensively against it. I'm at a point though, where my health and weight are important to me, and I'm ready to take control of my life. I think this is the point that everyone needs to reach when making a lifestyle change, and I feel good that I'm finally there. It's not about what others think, it's about how I feel.

I also want to get over past indiscretions this year. There is a relationship that has been over for 2 years that I just can't shake. I'm not talking about the old, "I still have feelings for him," or "but we were meant to be together" kind of shaking, but I just can't seem to move on to trusting again. This person was horrible to me, destroyed my self-esteem, and my self-image, and tore me apart. The scary thing is that for the entire 2 years I was "with" him, I never saw it. He had manipulated me perfectly, preyed on my every weakness and naivete, just right to control my every thought and move. The sun and moon rose and fell with him in my eyes, and he was the "perfect" man. For 2 years I felt so lucky to be near him, to be his best friend, and to allow people to think that someone who looked like me, could be with someone as gorgeous as he was. I loved watching girls' eyes follow him from the moment he walked in a room, full well knowing that I had arrived with him, and we would be leaving together. It seemed completely alright with me when he told me that when I lost weight we would really be together. I was ok with him having other girls in his life, knowing that when I did loose all the weight, it would be me that he was with. I was stupid. I was too far manipulated to see what was really happening. I didn't see that he only wanted me around to do his homework, write his papers, drive his ass anywhere he wanted to go, and spend my money on him. For 2 years my life revolved around him- all because it made me feel like I was somebody, for somebody, and to somebody. That's where it got difficult. I know that I'm worth something, but I hadn't really felt like was until he came along. My parents saw him for who he was. It was obvious to everyone else. A 36 year old ex-con, preying on a broken, naive 23 year old- how could they not see what he was after, but I wouldn't listen to them. He was a "christian," a man of God, and he had all the right answers. He had me wrapped around his finger, and under his thumb, right where he needed me. I was nothing to him. So how, I didn't see all this for 2 years, still baffles me.
He left for a semester abroad in Mexico, and my heart was ripped apart. For 2 years, not a day had gone by without either seeing him, or talking to him on the phone, and now he was out of the country with only e-mail and the occasional web cam conversation to keep in touch. The distance was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but the hardest thing to ever go through. I had time to think, to talk, and to pray about the situation. A coworker at the time, and my closest friend now, began asking me questions about my "relationship," and although he never told me what to think or what to do, he seemed to ask the right questions to make me begin to question things myself. When he returned from Mexico and expected things to be the same, I knew I had to remove myself. I filed a police report (I know too much about this person for him to feel safe with me around) and moved back to Twin Falls. God works in mysterious ways, and provided a safe haven for me, with good friends, family, and work, and I finally began to move on. Or at least, I thought so. I don't understand it really. Just when I think he is behind me, that I've learned from my mistake and poor judgement, and I'm "over it," he creeps up. He's in my dreams, I see someone that reminds me of him, or he's in my head, telling me I need to change for someone. As much as I want someone in my life, to share things with, experience thing with, and grow together with, I am so scared. I don't trust my own judgement, and I'm so worried that I'm going to fall into another trap. The worst fear is falling for someone so manipulative, and so good at bullshitting me and my feelings, that even my family and friends can't see him for who he is. I don't want to be one of those women who wakes up one day, turns over in bed to see her husband lying there and thinks, "who the hell are you?" That moment of realization for who he really was will haunt me forever.

I want to get over this.

I really hope that 2009 is the year for me.