6.23.2010

It's Not Fair

I'm not going to pretend that I'm so strong that I can accept life's up and downs with a smile on my face and go about my happy way.

Do I still live my life for God even though I can't understand why He would allow pain and suffering?
Yes.
Does it come easily?
No.

Let me explain.
My mom and grandma are in Seattle right now staying with my cousin who has leukemia.  His wife is going out of town on work, and he needs someone to help watch the kids, and take him to his numerous doctors appointments.  My mom has called me a few times to talk about how difficult it is to watch him go through his medication and treatments.  She is reliving the brave face she had to hold together when watching me go through the same struggles.  I didn't have leukemia, but the treatment (steroids and chemo) for my condition is the same. Just hearing about the stages of weight gain, mood swings, insane hunger, and painful inflammation of muscles and joints was enough to bring back the tears that flowed for so long while going through it myself.  I am hurting for Joe and his family.  Not only is Joe in pain, but so are his wife and kids.  They don't know who he is, and can't understand or empathize with his frustration and mood swings.  I can {unfortunately} empathize all too well.  I am also hurting for my mother.  She can empathize all too well with his family.  How many hurtful things did I say to her, all too casually, while the rage from the steroids ripped through me?  Did I ever want to say those things? Of course not.  But I couldn't help it either.
I am beyond thankful to God that I am in remission, and I pray that I can stay that way, and live a long and happy, healthy life.  But I can't help but be angry that others have to go through the pain and suffering too.

My mom called again this morning to tell me that she found out a good family friend has cancer.  She started having vision problems a few weeks ago and went to a few doctors to found out what was going on.  No one could figure it out so she was sent for more tests in Salt Lake.  It turns out she has lesions of cancer in her brain, lungs and liver.  All in stage 4.  This means the cancer has both spread and progressed too far to have any kind of hope for a cure.  They are going to start rounds of chemo immediately in order to {hopefully} slow the growth down and give her more time.
My friend Janelle said it best when she wrote to me this morning, "All you can do is look at the sky and yell, 'Why?! What is this good for?'"
What purpose could there possibly be to strike down a human being with a slow, painful death sentence?!  I don't understand it, and I'm not going to pretend to be okay with it.  I'm going to continue to pray for a miracle.  I'm going to pray for strength for her and her family.  And I'm going to pray for some miracle of finding a prevention and a cure for cancer, because I honestly don't know if I can live my life constantly finding out people I love and care for are suffering and dying.