6.30.2010

Opening Wounds

I'm not sure why I'm sharing these pictures. Maybe it's because I've been thinking so much lately about my cousin going through his treatments, or maybe it's because I want people to really understand how much a little pill can change someones life, or maybe it's because I feel like I'm supposed to.  I'm not fully comfortable with sharing these pictures, but I hope that at least one person can relate to this condition, and find comfort in knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

While I was on the medication, I avoided the camera like nobody's business. I hated the way I looked (although I hid it well. People often commented on how well I was taking it all, but they didn't know the torment I was dealing with inside) and I didn't want any reminders of the "moon face." If I avoided mirrors, and didn't see pictures of myself, I could pretend that I was normal.

On a trip to Seattle with my friend Darrelyn, I decided that I wanted photographic evidence of the fun that we were having. I had been on the medication for close to a year, and was feeling more confident in who I was because I was "used" to it. Most of the pictures ended up being trashed or burned, but I kept a few around to remind myself of what I was.

One of the {truly many} positive things that came from me getting sick is the constant reminder to not be judgmental. I, for the first time, understood deeply that the way we look is hardly ever our own fault. Are someones scars from a past tragedy, or is someone rude and harsh because they've been hurt and can't deal with their emotions? When I find myself upset with someone, or not understanding why someone acts or looks the way they do, I pull out these pictures and remind myself that we sometimes are a product of something much bigger than ourselves and compassion (and prayer) quickly follow.




And just to prove that it wasn't the {horrible} short hair that was making my face look large:



Although I've been in remission for 3 years now, I don't think I've ever fully dealt with the changes that happened. Most days I feel normal, and just go about my daily tasks with no thought for the past, but recently I've been remembering a lot. I feel like God is working on something in me, and I'm hoping that it comes to fruition soon, because I'm ready to put it all behind me. I am opening myself up to some hurt, but I'm hoping that if there is someone out there who needs support for something they are going through, that I can somehow help.