6.22.2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You


There's been a movement around the blogosphere recently, starting here, where bloggers are standing up (virtually) and admitting that not everything is great, fine and dandy.  I'm the first to admit that I don't sit down to my blog on a regular basis and write the good, the bad and the ugly.  I tend to stick to just the "good."  I want my blog to be a remembrance of the positive and fun things I've enjoyed in life.  Sure, I have a bad day or moment here and there, but why would I blog about that and choose to remember it for eternity?  I'd rather forget it and move on, thank you very much. 

However, I'm intrigued by the idea of listing the traits that I'm not particulary proud of, in an effort to embrace them and remember that no one is perfect.  It is often our "faults" that people will find most endearing... or at least, that's what I choose to believe.  Haha!

So here, world (or at least my few readers) are the Things That I'm Afraid to Tell You:

I am a Free Spirit.
I think for myself, march to the beat of my own drum and take each day as it comes.  When I was a kid and people (especially my family) would refer to me as "free spirit" I thought it was a bad thing, but recently I've chosen to embrace it.  Waking up each morning without a plan for the day and living each moment to the fullest makes me happy, so why fight it?  I'm respectful of others' beliefs and thoughts and can mesh into just about any conversation while staying true to myself. 

I Avoid Confrontation.
I just plain don't like it.  It makes me uncomfortable, and I don't like to be uncomfortable.  I enjoy a good spirited and passionate conversation, but will not argue with you.  I may think differently, but am able to see your side and find some truth it in it for myself.  That being said, I do not tolerate mean spirited or bullying behavior.  I may become angry if you are putting down someone else who doesn't have the ability to stand up for themselves, or even if they do, I just don't tolerate it.  I will still love you and be your friend, but I will ask that you stop and treat others with love.

I am a Chameleon.
A good friend once described me as a butterfly, flitting around picking up pieces from everywhere I land to add to my colorful array of self.  I took this as a complement, but sometimes it's difficult to not know who my true self is.  I know what I think and believe (for the most part, because life has a way of teaching me knew things to think and believe each day) but am most comfortable meshing in with my surroundings. 

I Doubt Myself. A Lot.
I'm constantly having to throw out big goals (marathon, century bike ride, move to Portland, etc) and work to achieve them just to prove to myself that I can do it.

I Don't Believe I Deserve Good Things and Am Genuinely Shocked When I Get Them.
I'm working on this one.  The other day I was at the playground with the boy I nanny and saw a little girl about 10 years old.  She reminded me of myself so drastically that I was uncomfortable for a moment.  She was bigger, but very happy and playing with friends.  She was an obvious leader among her group and had an amazingly, beautiful spirit.  As she walked away from the group when it was time to head home, I noticed some of her spunk leave in the absence of her peers.  Her self doubt and vulnerability were extremely apparent.  I wanted to run to her, give her a hug and tell her, "You are beautiful, please don't ever doubt that. You are perfect and whole and lovely just the way you are.  Walk with your head held high, and the confidence that you can do anything you set your mind to, because you can."
Then I started to cry because I realized I was talking to myself and didn't believe it.
Again, I am working on this.

I Hate Being Single, but am Uncomfortable Dating.
I don't know who I am, so answering incessant questions about myself makes me feel like a poser.  I am social and love to meet new people, but feel drained after. 

Ugh.  Ok, that's enough for now.

I'm going to steal a paragraph from my friend Erin's blog and add the footnote that, "All of these things are more pronounced when I have gotten out of my healthy routines and lost my center. When I keep to a regular schedule of sleep, morning walks, exercise, healthy eating and meditation, along with at least one evening a week to myself, these big raging neuroses become colorful little quirks."